Shinigami Zukan Golden!
by Tsuki-no-Kurokage
Summary: Randomness rules. Who agrees with me! If you do, read this damn crazy and insane fic, revealing the Bleach characters' so called true colors! Recently...Ichigo and Hitsu wake up and discover that...!
1. Chibi Time

Author's Note: Ok, welcome to Shinigami Zukan Golden! Haha. This fic is a concentration of all of my ideas for any humorous Shinigami Zukan. Anything at all. There's an important notice in chap 4, so you can take a look if you want. And also, please do not copy these ideas for it took me a long time to think these up. Please sit back and enjoy Shinigami Zukan Golden!

Disclaimer: I am not Kubo Tite. I only own OCs and Shinigami Zukan ideas here.

**Chibi Time belongs to chapter one of The Mask of Ice.**

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Chibi Time

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Ulquiorra: Golden…**

"I trust you with this secret, Ulquiorra… If word of my plans for Hitsugaya-kun were to get out… I don't know what the other Arrancar would think. I'll announce my plans to them when I'm ready, but for now, Ulquiorra, please don't tell anyone." Aizen finished.

"_Hai, _Aizen-sama. I will not tell a soul."

As Ulquiorra walked out, Ichimaru popped up and asked, "Yo, Ulquiorra! Howzit goin'?"

"…"

"Ah, yer ignorin' me, like any other day! C'mon, Ulquiorra! Aizen-sama's been talking to ya a lot quite recently. So tell me, what does Aizen-sama tell you?"

"I promised Aizen-sama I won't tell anyone."

"Oh, too bad then. Then that means that Aizen-sama would be utterly disgraced and yaw old be blamed 'coz you didn't wanna tell me and get _**this **_as a gift…" Ichimaru taunted, holding up something to show Ulquiorra.

Ulquiorra twitched.

**After Aizen gave Ichimaru permission to go to Seireitei****…**

"Ulquiorra, what's the meaning of this? I thought you said you wouldn't tell a soul about the matter," Aizen demanded a little.

"I apologise greatly, Aizen-sama. However, if I were not to tell Ichimaru-sama, he would utterly disgrace you in front of the entire Arrancar army, Aizen-sama, and I couldn't have that."

"Disgrace me? What was it that he told you?"

"He showed me this, Aizen-sama."

Ulquiorra held up a photo album full of pictures of Aizen in the bathroom, trying different kinds of hairstyles and cosmetic products. There were pictures of Aizen putting hair gel and even some hair accessories like pink hair clips. There were pictures of Aizen trying on different outfits and pictures of Aizen 'vandalizing' the bathroom mirror with a spray can, with words screaming, "HITSUGAYA SHALL BE MINE" and "THE PERFECT CHIBI VAIZARD HITSUGAYA TOUSHIROU SHALL BE THE CUTEST OF THEM ALL" and "I HEART CHIBIS".

Aizen twitched.


	2. Hyourinmaru Agrees NOT

Author's Note: Ok, here's the next Shinigami Zukan Golden!

Disclaimer: Read previous chapter. This has reference to my first Bleach fanfic, The Mask of Ice. Introducing my OC, Koori!

**Hyourinmaru Agrees...NOT belongs to chapter two of The Mask of Ice.**

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Hyourinmaru Agrees...NOT

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Koori and Hyourinmaru: Golden.**

"_Say, Hyourinmaru…" Koori began, rubbing his chin. "Why the hell is your wielder so short?"_

"… _That'__s a very good question, Koori."_

"_Ha! You actually admit that your wielder is short?!"_

"_Pretty much."_

"_Wait… You're agreeing with me?! You never agree with me!"_

"_I agree that I never agree with you."_

_Koori's eyes widened and his pupils dilated. "And so, why is your wielder so short?"_

"_I'm not sure myself, but I think it's because he died at a tender age of 4, Koori," Hyourinmaru replied._

"_I __**know **__that!"_

"_Then why do you ask?"_

"_Because it still doesn't explain why he's so short! I mean like, hello? He's 133, for goodness sake! He's lived in Soul Society for such a long time! Surely he experienced a growth spurt but… I have never watched him grow!"_

"… _Good point."_

"_Wait, you're agreeing with me __**again**__!"_

"_Oh yeah," Hyourinmaru replied sarcastically, not really wanting to talk to Koori at all, but he sure loved tormenting Koori._

"_Argh! My head is splitting! This can't be happening! Is it the end of the world tomorrow?! Did the sun rise from the west today?! What did you do to Hyourinmaru?!"_

"…"

"_ARGHHH!!!!! THIS IS SO IMPOSSIBLE! HYOURINMARU NEVER AGREES WITH ME!!!"_

"_Oh shut up, Koori."_


	3. Pinky Time

Author's Note: OMG, this is my ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE. You'll know why when you read it... Expect MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR OOCness. No offense to Aizen fans out there! (Seriously, there ARE Aizen fans. My friend thinks Aizen is cool. o.O)

Disclaimer: Read previous chapter. And one thing to note: Most or all of my Shinigami Zukans here will most definitely have reference to my Bleach fanfics, be it present or future fics.

**Pinky Time belongs to chapter three of The Mask of Ice.**

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Pinky Time

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Aizen, Ichimaru and Ulquiorra: Golden.**

"Yo, Ulquiorra," Ichimaru greeted casually.

"…" Ulquiorra didn't respond and carried out walking in a trance-like state.

"Ulquioooooooooooraaaaaaaaaaaa…? Yooo hooo…" Ichimaru called out, trying to get Ulquiorra out of his daze. He waved his hand in front of Ulquiorra's face, and Ulquiorra blinked back to reality.

"Ichimaru-sama," Ulquiorra acknowledged.

"What happened? Ya seem ta' be in a bad shape, daydreamin' and all…"

"N-nothing…"

"Say, have ya seen Aizen-sama anywhere? I've been lookin' fer 'im but can't find 'im anywhere…"

"Aizen-sama is still in the experimentation room with the 10th Division Captain, but I suggest that you don't go there right now, Ichimaru-sama."

"Huh? And why's that?"

"If you go there, you'll instantly regret it."

Ulquiorra walked away solemnly and Ichimaru shrugged it off. He walked towards the experimentation room and knocked on the door. "Yo, Aizen-sama, ya in there?"

"G-Gin?!" Aizen's shocked voice came from behind the door. "Don't come in, Gin! I… I'm still busy!"

"Ya hidin' somethin' from me, Aizen-sama?"

"Nothing of that sort, Gin! I never hide anything from you!"

"Ya sound awfully nervous, though… I'm comin' in anyways…"

"Don't! Don't open the door! GIN!!"

Ichimaru opened the door anyway, and peeked with a smile on his face. "Oh ya, I passed by Ulquiorra just now. He seems dazed an' all and told me not ta' come 'ere, but I did anyway. So, Aizen-sama, what did ya do that made Ulquiorra so-" Ichimaru stopped immediately and his jaw dropped as soon as his mind registered what Aizen was doing. His eyes widened and his blood red pupils dilated.

"GIIIIIINNN!!!!" Aizen yelled at the top of his voice.

"_S-s-s-sumimasen, _Aizen-sama!" Ichimaru apologised and immediately closed the door. He leaned on the wall and tried to breathe properly but he couldn't take his mind off what he saw. Ulquiorra soon came by and he saw the petrified Ichimaru.

"I told you not to come here, Ichimaru-sama."

"Sorry, Ulquiorra, couldn't help myself…"

"So you saw the pink tube, right?"

"Yep."

"The pink liquid?"

"Yep."

"The pink hair dye?"

"If ya meant Aizen-sama's new hair colour, then yep."

"The pink hair clips?"

"Yep."

"The pink frilly dress?"

"On Aizen-sama, yep."

"The pink high heel shoes?"

"Yep."

"The pink lipstick?"

"Yep."

"The hearts on the tube?"

"H-hearts?!"

"I saw Aizen-sama painting them on the experimenting tube."

"Didn't see that…"

"And how about the pink walls?"

"Oh, I definitely saw that. They even had hearts all over 'em."

"Did you see the words carved on them?"

"Well… No. Did you?"

"Yes."

"What were the words?"

Ulquiorra looked around cautiously and leaned in to whisper in Ichimaru's ear. Ichimaru immediately passed out. Meanwhile, in the experimentation room, a pink girly sissy Aizen was singing the theme song of Elmo's World while spraying with a spray can on the walls of the room. "Lah lah lah lah… Lah lah lah lah… Elmo's World! Lah lah lah lah… Lah lah lah lah…" Aizen sprayed more words and put the spray can down when he was done. Aizen walked away from the walls and viewed it as his best masterpiece yet. He sang out the words written in the tune of Elmo's World again, "Lah lah lah lah… Lah lah lah lah… Chibi time!"

"Lah lah lah lah… Lah lah lah lah… Pinky World!"

"Lah lah lah lah… Lah lah lah lah… I love pink!

"Lah lah lah lah… Lah lah lah lah… Pink so rocks!

"Lah lah lah lah… Lah lah lah lah…" Aizen paused to think of what to sing out next and just screamed out randomly, "PINK!"

"Lah lah lah lah… Lah lah lah lah… It's… Pinky TIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"

By that time, everyone in Hueco Mondo had fainted due to shock.


	4. Pinky Time version 2

Author's Note: This is the alternate ending to Pinky Time. It isn't as funny as the previous one, but it can still tickle that funny bone of yours.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: Please pass this on to those who read The Mask of Ice if you know any of them. Right, to begin with, I have decided NOT to post any more Shinigami Zukans for any Bleach fics. The ones I've posted in The Mask of Ice will be removed this Friday. This is because I shall post ALL Shinigami Zukans right here in this fic and I seriously want you people to laugh it off at one go. I shall record down which Omake belongs to which chapter, so don't worry about getting mixed up. I shall not change my decision no matter how much you beg me. Thank you. (WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT!)

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

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Pinky Time version 2

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Aizen, Ichimaru and Ulquiorra: Golden.**

"Yo, Ulquiorra," Ichimaru greeted casually.

"…" Ulquiorra didn't respond and carried out walking in a trance-like state.

"Ulquioooooooooooraaaaaaaaaaaa…? Yooo hooo…" Ichimaru called out, trying to get Ulquiorra out of his daze. He waved his hand in front of Ulquiorra's face, and Ulquiorra blinked back to reality.

"Ichimaru-sama," Ulquiorra acknowledged.

"What happened? Ya seem ta' be in a bad shape, daydreamin' and all…"

"N-nothing…"

"Say, have ya seen Aizen-sama anywhere? I've been lookin' fer 'im but can't find 'im anywhere…"

"Aizen-sama is still in the experimentation room with the 10th Division Captain, but I suggest that you don't go there right now, Ichimaru-sama."

"Huh? And why's that?"

"If you go there, you'll instantly regret it."

Ulquiorra walked away solemnly and Ichimaru shrugged it off. He walked towards the experimentation room and knocked on the door. "Yo, Aizen-sama, ya in there?"

"G-Gin?!" Aizen's shocked voice came from behind the door. "Don't come in, Gin! I… I'm still busy!"

"Ya hidin' somethin' from me, Aizen-sama?"

"Nothing of that sort, Gin! I never hide anything from you!"

"Ya sound awfully nervous, though… I'm comin' in anyways…"

"Don't! Don't open the door! GIN!!"

Ichimaru opened the door anyway, and peeked with a smile on his face. "Oh ya, I passed by Ulquiorra just now. He seems dazed an' all and told me not ta' come 'ere, but I did anyway. So, Aizen-sama, what did ya do that made Ulquiorra so-" Ichimaru stopped immediately and his jaw dropped as soon as his mind registered what Aizen was doing. His eyes widened and his blood red pupils dilated.

"GIIIIIINNN!!!!" Aizen yelled at the top of his voice.

"_S-s-s-sumimasen, _Aizen-sama!" Ichimaru apologised and immediately closed the door. He leaned on the wall and tried to breathe properly but he couldn't take his mind off what he saw. Ulquiorra soon came by and he saw the petrified Ichimaru.

"I told you not to come here, Ichimaru-sama."

"Sorry, Ulquiorra, couldn't help myself…"

"So you saw the pink tube, right?"

"Yep."

"The pink liquid?"

"Yep."

"The pink hair dye?"

"If ya meant Aizen-sama's new hair colour, then yep."

"The pink hair clips?"

"Yep."

"The pink frilly dress?"

"On Aizen-sama, yep."

"The pink high heel shoes?"

"Yep."

"The pink lipstick?"

"Yep."

"What's wrong with Aizen-sama?"

"Dunno."

Meanwhile, back at the experimentation room, a smiling Aizen, amused by Ichimaru and Ulquiorra's reactions, sheathed Kyouka Suigetsu and the pink version of himself disappeared into thin air. Aizen went up to the control panel and connected the video camera he was holding onto to the control panel. He pressed the play button and sat back to enjoy watching Ulquiorra and Ichimaru reacting to the pink illusion of himself.


	5. Le Dance o' Toushirou and Momo

Author's Note: Yuppies, here's another Shinigami Zukan Golden! It's pretty long for a Shinigami Zukan, though, and it's not as funny, but still… I find it cute!

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**Le Dance o' Toushirou and Momo ****belongs to chapter four of The Mask of Ice.**

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Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami Zukan!**

**Hitsugaya and Hinamori: Golden.**

"Ne, Hinamori-chan…" Matsumoto nudged.

"What is it, Rangiku-san?" Hinamori asked, watching Matsumoto gulp her sake down.

"I've been wondering… You and taichou are childhood friends, am I right?"

Hinamori blinked in surprise. Nearly all of Seireitei knew that, if not, the entire Seireitei knew that. How could Matsumoto, fukutaichou of Hitsugaya, not know? Hinamori replied anyway, "Yeah."

Matsumoto leaned in and asked slyly, "Do you remember taichou doing anything stupid?"

Hinamori put a finger to her mouth, trying to remember. She only remembered herself and a young Hitsugaya eating watermelons and playing with each other every day of their childhood life in the 1st Rukongan District. "No, I don't think so…" Suddenly she blinked. "Ah!"

"What is it? Tell me!"

Hinamori blushed. "U-u-um… It's better if you don't know, Rangiku-san…"

"Oh, c'mon, don't be a party pooper and tell me!"

Hinamori's blush deepened. She leaned in to whisper in Matsumoto's ear and Matsumoto's eyes widened in surprise and shock.

"Eh?! Taichou really did that?!"

Hinamori nodded shyly.

"Ooooh, I'm sooo jealous!"

Hinamori blushed even more and she felt herself burning up. Tobiume was giggling in her mind. Hinamori felt like giggling as well, but she didn't. Instead, she watched the buxom 10th Division fukutaichou laugh her head off on the ground, choking slightly on her sake every now and then. Hinamori smiled and giggled finally.

- - - - -

_A very young Hitsugaya and Hinamori were walking together in the Rukongan District, looking around for food to buy. Hinamori attempted to buy toys and candy for Hitsugaya, but he didn't want any and even pouted. By the time they went back home, nearly all the food were watermelons and peaches. And Hitsugaya made Hinamori to carry them._

"_Mou, Shirou-chan, you're so mean! You made my carry everything…" Hinamori complained._

"_Urusei, Bed-Wetter." As they walked past by a random music shop, they heard the slow and romantic music from the shop. They stopped in curiosity, listening to the song with rapt attention. It was a beautiful song but they didn't learn about the name of it. Such a beautiful song just couldn't be expressed in words._

_However, for Hitsugaya's case, it was expressed…_

… _in a dance._

_Hitsugaya ecstatically picked a peach from the bag full of them and stuffed it in his mouth. He tapped Hinamori's shoulder and bit the peach, chewing. Holding the peach in his left hand, he stretched out his right hand and offered, "Wanna dance, Momo?"_

"_S-Shirou-chan, what has gotten into you…?" Hinamori shyly replied. Hitsugaya didn't reply and swallowed the entire peach._

"_I don't care, you must dance with me!" Hitsugaya ordered, pulling her hands._

"_E-eh?!"_

_Before they knew it, they were dancing…_

_And dancing…_

_And dancing…_

… _the Can-Can._

- - - - -

"What the hell?! That really happened?!"

Hitsugaya blushed and nodded.

"No way! Absolutely no way, Toushirou!"

Hitsugaya blinked. He glared at a solidified Koori standing right next to him. "Oi, Koori, what are you doing out here? Aren't you supposed to be in my mind?"

"Huh…?" Koori looked down at his body. "What the hell _**am**_ I doing out here…?"

Hitsugaya slapped his forehead.

"Oh, now that I think about it… I have the ability to materialize before you for a limitation of 5 seconds."

"… It's been 10 seconds, Koori."

"… It has?!"

Hitsugaya slapped his forehead again.

"Anyway, you dance pretty well for a midget, Toushirou. So tell me, will you ever dance again?"

Hitsugaya punched Koori in the face, blushing terribly. "I am _**never **_dancing again…"

- - - - -

_A young Hitsugaya tripped on Hinamori's foot while they danced, and his face fell on hers._

_Their lips met._

_They broke the kiss immediately and got up, regaining their composure. Hitsugaya looked at Hinamori who glared at him. Both were blushing. Hitsugaya began, "You know… we should do this again sometime."_

"_The kissing?" Hinamori gasped, blushing even more._

_Hitsugaya blushed even more. "No way! I meant dancing!"_

"_O-oh…"_

"_So… you up for ballet?"_


	6. The Old Bastardy Geezer

Author's Note: This is a pretty funny one.

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**The Old**** Bastardy Geezer belongs to chapter five of The Mask of Ice.**

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The Old Bastardy Geezer

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Hitsugaya and Koori: Golden.**

"_Hey, what are you doing back here, Toushirou? Didn't you just wake up?" Koori asked cheerfully, minding his own business in the icy dreamscape. He was lying on top of a pile of snow and playing with it, obviously having a lot of fun._

"_You sure are in a happy mood right now, Koori," Hitsugaya commented without thinking. He folded his arms, feeling rather bored._

"_Well, I'm happy whenever I'm surrounded by snow, at least. Anyway, why are you talking to me? If you just want to sleep out there and not get bothered by me for once, why don't you just make your own snow pile and play in it? Or at least, do anything you want."_

"_I came to chat with you, not to play," Hitsugaya replied, climbing up the snow pile and sitting next to Koori. "Anyway, I can just treat this as some kind of quality time with you. After all, you're going to be stuck with me forever. I'm going to need some getting used to."_

_Koori raised his eyebrow. "I thought you hated me."_

_Hitsugaya glared. "I hate the world. How'd you like that?"_

"_Touché. Anyway, what do you want to talk about?"_

"_Before I woke up, you told me to say hi to 'the old geezer'. Who is he?"_

_Koori choked deliberately and cleared his throat. "I… don't think you should know…"_

_It was Hitsugaya's turn to raise an eyebrow. "And why not?"_

"_Well… You see…" Koori whispered the explanation in Hitsugaya's ear, and Hitsugaya blinked in surprise._

"_You…"_

"_Yup."_

"_What grudge do you have against him, Koori?"_

"_We'll talk about this another time, Toushirou. Just don't let the old bastardy geezer know about this."_

_Hitsugaya blinked._

- - - - -

"Yamamoto-soutaichou…" Unohana whispered to him standing outside the room where Hitsugaya lied asleep.

"Yes, Unohana-taichou?"

"I believe Hitsugaya-taichou is calling you in his sleep."

"Oh? Is that so?" The matter attracted all the Captains standing outside, and with permission given by Yamamoto, they entered the room and heard the white-haired prodigy sleep talk. It caused a few Captains to giggle to hear him sleep talk. "What is he saying, Unohana-taichou?" When Unohana didn't answer, Yamamoto took the trouble to bend down and hear what Hitsugaya was saying.

What he heard seriously shocked him.

Yamamoto stood up and walked out casually. Unohana and most of the Captains followed. Ukitake, Kyouraku and Zaraki were the only ones who remained in the room, curious to know what Hitsugaya had said in his sleep. They bent down and heard Hitsugaya scold a little, "Koori, how the hell can Yamamoto-soutaichou be an old bastardy geezer?"

Ukitake and Kyouraku couldn't stop laughing.

From then on, Yamamoto became known as Captain Oldie Bastardy Geezer.

At least, according to Yachiru who heard the 'rumour' from Zaraki.


	7. A Bit of Every Kurayami

Author's Note: There'll be another version to this one, which, I think, will be funnier.

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**A Bit of Every Kurayami belongs to chapter six of The Mask of Ice.**

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A Bit of Every Kurayami

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Hitsugaya, Merenaito, Kage and Meian: Golden!**

"First observation: I noticed that taichou knows the new captains of the 3rd, 5th and 9th Division before the captain's meeting just now. They were walking together. Now I should observe on taichou and Merenaito-taichou, the new captain of the 9th Division," Matsumoto wrote in her notebook. She looked out of the door, watching Hitsugaya talk to Merenaito about something, most probably about being temporarily banished to the material world. Both had very serious looks on their faces. Matsumoto wrote it down, "Taichou is a bit like Kurayami Merenaito-taichou; both are very serious. _**Too **_serious for their age group."

Matsumoto observed once more. Now she saw Hitsugaya and Kage arguing over some trivial matter. She wrote it down, "Taichou is a bit like Kurayami Kage-taichou; both argue a lot, and have short tempers. They get pissed off easily. Note to self; never ever make them pissed off. Better way to save oneself; make one of them pissed off and blame it on the other, causing a fun argument that'll be worth taking a video of."

Matsumoto observed the last one. It was Hitsugaya chasing Meian, both screaming their heads off, "I'M NOT A MIDGET!!!!!!!" at each other. Matsumoto sweat dropped and wrote it down, "Taichou is a bit like Kurayami Meian-taichou; both overreact when talking about their height and size. They might be suffering from Napoleon complex."

**＜ブリーチ＞**

Hitsugaya returned to his division and got ready for tomorrow's departure. There was nothing for a shinigami to pack, unlike humans, so all Hitsugaya needed was a gigai and a soul candy dispenser and he'd be fine. He got ready to go to sleep when he noticed a book lying on the ground. He picked it up and read it as he was curious. His vein could be seen throbbing and popping out. He knew exactly whose handwriting that was. "MATSUMOTO!!!!"


	8. A Bit of Every Kurayami version 2

Author's Note: Yup, here's another version for A Bit of Every Kurayami.

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**A Bit of Every Kurayami version 2 belongs to none of my Bleach fanfics.**

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A Bit of Every Kurayami version 2

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Hitsugaya, Merenaito, Kage and Meian: Golden!**

"So, Toushi," Merenaito began by calling Hitsugaya using her own pet name for him. "What happened in Hueco Mondo?"

Hitsugaya's eyes narrowed to slits. "You wouldn't want to know, Merenaito."

It was Merenaito's turn to narrow her eyes. "But I do know, Toushi. Just by looking at you, I can tell what happened."

"Che, you cheat. You read my mind," Hitsugaya scoffed, knowing Merenaito all too well. After all, it was an ability only the Kurayami sisters possessed, the ability to not only read minds, but to perform amazing tasks as well.

Merenaito grinned a little. "I'm glad you know."

"Just don't tell Kage and Meian."

"They'll find out by themselves someday."

**WHUMP!**

Merenaito sweat dropped anime style, her arms folded. "Too late. Kage found out."

Hitsugaya stood up with a red handprint clearly on his face. "Why didn't you warn me, dammit?!"

"I told you they'd find out someday. Looks like today's the day," Merenaito replied with a bored look on her face.

"Tou-chan! Are my senses lying to me?! Did Aizen seriously use the Hougyoku on you?!" Kage shouted.

"Yeah, so?"

"So that's what happened?! That's how you got hollow powers?! Really, Toushirou, you should learn how to grow up!"

Hitsugaya twitched. "What does growing up have anything to do with the bastard Aizen using the Hougyoku on me?!"

"Well, for one, you're puny and easy to take, dammit!"

"That still has nothing to do with growing up!"

"I was just being random!"

"Then you could've told me randomness is your style of arguing, Kage!"

"Just shut up!"

"But you started it!"

"You're acting like a child, Toushirou!"

"So are you!!!"

Merenaito stepped aside with a sweat drop as her younger sister and childhood friend argued. She didn't want to involve her zanpakutou in this trivial matter so she just let it be and allowed them to argue till the youngest of the Kurayami sisters decided to piss Hitsugaya off even more. Meian was smiling and giggling. "Ooh, this looks fun! Ne, Kage, Midget-chan," Hitsugaya twitched again. "Do you two even realize the age gap between you?"

"Oh boy, here goes…" Merenaito sighed wearily.

"It's funny seeing the younger one telling the older one that he's acting like a child!"

Kage smirked. "Oh yeaaaah, Toushirou, come to think of it, I _**am **_younger than you. Shouldn't the older give way to the younger?"

"S-s-shut up! And you!" Hitsugaya pointed at Meian. "What gives you the right to call me midget when you're a head shorter than me?!"

Meian became damn pissed off. "Excuse me?!"

"What, you deaf or something, Meian?! I'm implying that you're a midget! A midget who is shorter than another midget!"

"DON'T CALL ME MIDGET, YOU MIDGET!"

"DON'T CALL ME MIDGET!!!!! YOU ARE A SUPER MIDGET, YOU KNOW?!"

"WHAT THE FREAK DID YOU SAY?!?!?!"

Merenaito and Kage sighed wearily.


	9. Growing Up

Author's Note: Ha, I got my inspiration from the bonus strip of Fullmetal Alchemist, where Hawkeye and Al attempted to take Ed's height and with him screaming "No! Lemme go!" XD It was hilarious and after a little thinking, this popped up.

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**Growing Up does not belong to any of my Bleach fanfics.**

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Growing Up

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Hitsugaya, Hinamori and Matsumoto: Golden!**

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Aww c'mon, please?" Matsumoto begged, taking out a cherry from gawd-knows-where and placed it on top of an annoyed Hitsugaya's head. "With a cherry on top?"

Hitsugaya twitched. He looked like some kind of ice-cream sundae with whipped cream (his hair) and a cherry on top (literally). He picked the cherry and tossed it aside. "No."

**＜ブリーチ＞**

Hitsugaya twitched again in annoyance. Once again, he had been dragged away from his paperwork by his buxom fukutaichou. Last time, she brought him to the bar to have a weird sake party which he did not participate in, otherwise he'd get seriously drunk. This time, it was the 4th Division to have his _**height **_measured. Hitsugaya _**hated **_being part of Matsumoto's pointless antics.

What's worse, Hinamori accompanied him.

"Ne, ne, Shirou-chan, how much do you think you have grown this time?" Hinamori nudged, tugging his arm like a little child.

"Don't know, don't care." Actually, he _**did **_care, because if he hadn't grown any taller than he did, his pride and dignity would be shattered and he would have to be humiliated.

Very quickly, it was his turn to have his height measured. Unohana kindly put the ruler above his hair and looked at the other ruler on the wall. Hinamori thought that Unohana forgot that hair wasn't counted in height-taking, so she squashed Hitsugaya's perfectly-gelled hair down, causing Hitsugaya to twitch uncontrollably. Unohana then told him to stand away from the ruler. She smiled and noted down the height measured.

Unohana turned to face Hitsugaya whose hair spikes were covering his eyes. He made a futile effort to move them to their original position, so all he could do was change his hairstyle to the one he used to have when he was in Rukongan. It would make do for now. Unohana said, "Congratulations, Hitsugaya-taichou. You've grown."

"Good," Hitsugaya heaved a content sigh. Hinamori and Matsumoto were giggling away, knowing that the usually short white-haired captain had actually grown.

"By 1cm," Unohana added.

Hinamori and Matsumoto burst out laughing while Hitsugaya's eyebrow twitched. "1…cm…" Hitsugaya's voice became low and dangerous. It would mean that he was pissed off that he had only grown by 1cm, making him 134cm tall. He was still shorter than even Hinamori. "OH SCREW!!!!!!!! ONLY 1 PATHETIC CM??! _**SCREW!!!!!!!!!!**_"


	10. Nicknames for Toushirou

Author's Note: I appreciate the reviews!

I love this shinigami zukan! It's cute!!!

Disclaimer: Read previous chapter.

**Nicknames for Toushirou belongs to chapter seven of The Mask of Ice.**

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Nicknames for Toushirou

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Everyone****: Golden!**

"Ah he he he he… So, um…" Ichigo began, trying to stifle his impending laughter. "He heh… Why do you let her call you… Tou-chan?"

Hitsugaya's eyebrow twitched while Kage looked away, blushing. Everyone was in Ichigo's room, which was amazing in a way that it can hold so many of them in just one room. Ichigo was sitting on the bed while Rukia and Renji were in the closet. Hitsugaya was sitting on the floor with Hinamori and the Kurayami sisters. Hitsugaya retorted, "It just so happens that she likes calling me Tou-chan, Kurosaki."

"And you never ask her to correct you?" Ichigo countered.

Hitsugaya looked around nervously. "Well… I, um…"

"Mou, Shirou-chan, you always correct me whenever I call you Shirou-chan or Hitsugaya-kun! It's not fair!" Hinamori pouted. Kage blushed even more.

"Shirou-chan? Hey, Toushirou, you sure got cute nicknames," Ichigo teased, causing the white-haired child prodigy to blush.

"S-shut up, Kurosaki!"

"Well, it won't hurt to reveal what _**we **_call you, right, Tou-Tou?" Meian giggled.

"M-Meian!" Hitsugaya protested.

"Tou-Tou?" everyone else, except Merenaito and Kage, echoed.

"Aww… Or do you prefer Rou-Rou?"

"MEIAN!!!"

"Rou-Rou?" everyone else tried to control their laughter lest they go crazy over laughing too much. Hitsugaya slapped his forehead, his blush deepening. He knew his pride was going to be shattered.

"Ne, Toushi, I just revealed mine," Merenaito spoke with a bored look on her face.

"M-Merenaito…!!!"

"Toushi? Doesn't that mean to be frozen to death?" Ichigo burst out in laughter. "Suits ya, Toushirou!"

"Kurosaki!!!"

"I have another, Ichigo," Merenaito continued.

Hitsugaya blushed and blushed and blushed. "M-M-Merenaito! Don't!!!"

"Oh? Tell us, then," Ichigo replied, ignoring Hitsugaya's protests in the background.

"Try Lil' Touie."

" Lil' T-Touie…?" Ichigo burst out in laughter again.

Hitsugaya's face reddened in embarrassment as everyone suffered from another laughing fit. "MERENAITO!! MEIAN!! I AM SO GOING TO GET YOU…!!!"

"I have one more if you want," Kage offered, an evil glint in her eyes.

"KAGE, NOT YOU TOO!!!!"

"Scream all you want at me, Tou-chan." Stifled laughter. "Or should I say Gagaya-chan?" Burst out laughter.

Hitsugaya slapped his forehead, his face reddening even more and more with every passing second from embarrassment. This was _**not **_going to be left out in the reports for Soul Society…

**＜ブリーチ＞**

"Um… Yamamoto-soutaichou…"

Yamamoto looked up from his desk. "Yes, Ukitake-taichou? Kyouraku-taichou?"

"Umm… We were thinking…" Kyouraku began. "We were thinking that you should know about what's going on in the material world with Toushirou-kun…"

"Apparently, Kurosaki Ichigo is aiding in looking for the vizards to train Hitsugaya-kun, and something… _**amusing **_happened before they departed for the vizards' adobe… We were thinking that you should know about what really happened," Ukitake finished, handing up the report to Yamamoto.

Yamamoto's eyebrows raised like as if he was amused by the report himself. "Gagaya-chan, hm?"


	11. Repeat After Me

Author's Note: …Is this one funny? I don't know XD

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**Repeat After Me belongs to chapter eight of The Mask of Ice.**

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Repeat After Me

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Ichigo, ****Hitsugaya and Koori: Golden.**

"Say, Toushirou…" Hitsugaya's head turned to face Ichigo. "Just now, when you said 'duh', did your hollow tell you to say it or was it a normal reaction?"

"My hollow told me to say it," Hitsugaya growled.

_I did NOT!_

"Now he's denying it."

"Huh…" Ichigo continued, "Looks like your hollow is already controlling your mind and speech, Toushirou. Not totally, but still."

_Oh yes I am… Cackle_

"_Shut up, Koori. And what's with the cackle?"_

_Oh, I added it for more effect._

"_You're hilarious."_

_Really? I should go be a clown someday._

"_That was sarcasm, in case you haven't noticed."_

"What's up, Toushirou?" Ichigo's voice snapped Hitsugaya back into reality. "You're daydreaming again. Is that hollow of yours talking to you?"

_Yes._

"Yes." Hitsugaya mentally slapped himself.

"What's he saying?" Ichigo asked.

_Whether or not I should consider becoming a clown someday._

"Whether or not I should consider becoming a clown someday." Hitsugaya immediately covered his mouth.

Ichigo stifled his laughter. "Ok, I'll ignore that, Toushirou. Come on, the others are waiting. We're way behind them, you know."

_Yeah, and it's your fault for starting this pointless conversation._

"Yeah, and it's your fault for starting this pointless conversation," Hitsugaya managed to mutter out even though he had already covered his mouth.

Ichigo stopped running towards the group and stared at Hitsugaya wide-eyed. "Toushirou, are you blaming me?"

"N-no, Kurosaki! Like you said, Koori's already managing to control my speech and mind, just a little!" Hitsugaya protested.

_I gotta admit, that is entertaining._

"_Shut UP, Koori!"_

"Well, as long as it ain't you who's talking, I guess I don't mind, Toushirou," Ichigo replied, smiling. "After all, I've been through this kind of stuff, minus the hollow controlling my speech and all, so I understand. If you need any help, you can always come to me."

_Gee, thanks a lot, Strawberry Boy. Toushirou would rather kill himself than lose his pride and dignity by asking someone of lower status than him for help._

"_Arigatou, _Kurosaki," Hitsugaya thanked, against what Koori was saying.

"No problem, Toushirou!"

_I swear, Toushirou, I am going to beat you up when we duel!_

"_I said shut up, Koori!"_


	12. The Pink Withdrawal Syndrome

Author's Note: This one is a seriously funny one… It's got some relation to Pinky Time version 1 so if you want to read, you can.

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**The Pink**** Withdrawal Syndrome does not belong to any of my Bleach fanfics. It does, however, serve as some sort of sequel to Pinky Time version 1.**

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The Pink Withdrawal Syndrome

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Aizen: Golden PINK!**

"Um… Aizen-sama," Ichimaru began.

Aizen looked up at his right-hand man. "Yes, Gin?"

"'Bout last night…" Ichimaru shuffled his feet nervously, unsure of whether or not to tell the sadistic bastard about his obsession with pink. "Ulquiorra and I saw ya in the experimentation room with Jyuuban-taichou-han, and well… We saw…"

"You saw the pink, didn't you?"

"_H-hai, _Aizen-sama… I meant ta' ask ya… Why are ya obsessed with pink? It's a girly colour, and…"

Aizen cut him off. "IT'S NOT A GIRLY COLOUR!!! IT'S A WONDERFUL COLOUR WHICH BRINGS ABOUT JOY AND HAPPINESS TO EVERYONE!"

"Ya mean gayness, Aizen-sama."

"GIN!!!"

"I'm sorry, Aizen-sama (A/N: No he's not) but all the Arrancar and I have decided ta' put a restraining order on ya ta' stay away from pink."

"WHAT DID YOU DO, GIN?!"

This time, Ichimaru smiled again. "Ah, but don't worry, Aizen-sama. As long as yer 25 meters away from pink, none of us will come and get ya away."

"GIN!!!!"

A few days later, Aizen Sousuke was found lying on the ground in his room, twitching and foaming at the mouth.

He was found to be suffering from pink withdrawal syndrome.

No one ever dared keep him away from pink ever since.


	13. When They Fainted

Author's Note: I got my inspiration for this after watching too many Shinigami Zukans with Ichigo washing the dishes XD And this happened before Ichigo and Hitsugaya woke up in chapter nine.

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**When ****They Fainted belongs to chapter nine of The Mask of Ice.**

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When They Fainted

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Everyone: Golden!**

"Ok! Lunch is ready!" Hiyori exclaimed, banging the spoon against the pot, gaining everyone's attention. "Oi! Shinji! Stop pickin' all the damned food for yerself!" Hiyori scolded, taking out her slipper and smacked Shinji on the head.

The group ate their food slowly and tried not to get involved in the fight between Shinji and Hiyori. Hitsugaya, however, try as he might, couldn't ignore the migraine acting up, but stuffed some more rice into his mouth anyway.

**＜ブリーチ＞**

"Right! Ichigo, it's yer turn ta' wash the dishes!" Hiyori ordered, leaving the dirtied plates on the table.

"What?! Me again?!" Ichigo exclaimed.

Hiyori tossed him an apron. "Yep. You best be doin' a good job on that too. Now what're ya waitin' fer?!" Hiyori proceeded to remove her slipper and threw it at the poor orange-haired vaizard who felt a migraine acting up.

**＜ブリーチ＞**

"Faster, faster, faster, faster!" Hiyori shouted impatiently. "C'mon, Ichigo, yer way ta' slow! FASTER!!!"

"Damn you! I'm already washing as fast as I can!" Ichigo wiped his sweat, feeling the migraine getting worse and worse. His vision began to blur and he suddenly slipped. His face fell into the soapy water in the basin.

"Oi, don't sleep on the job, Ichigo!" Hiyori shook him, but he didn't respond. "Ichigo?" She pulled him out of the water and saw that he had fainted. "Oi! Ichigo! Wake up, damn ya!"

"Aaaahh!! Shirou-chan! Wake up! Wake up!" Hiyori heard Hinamori's distant cries for Hitsugaya to wake up.

"Hah? Hinamori, yer friend fainted too?" Hiyori asked with a bored look on her face when she managed to drag Ichigo's limp body over to the group. She saw Hinamori desperately shaking Hitsugaya's body, crying for him to wake up.

"Yes!"

"What happened?"

"All I did was play with him and hit him on the head!"

"No wonder he fainted, yer dimwit…" Hiyori muttered under his breath.

Rukia noticed Ichigo's limp body behind Hiyori and went up to Ichigo. "Hey, since when did Ichigo get a soapy beard in his sleep?" Then she took out a device which humans apparently called 'camera' and took a 'photograph' of Ichigo.

It got sent to Soul Society where Byakuya had a good laugh.


	14. Of Dishes and Chappy

Author's Note: Wahahaha, I am evil XD

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**Of Dishes and Chappy belongs to chapter ten of The Mask of Ice.**

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Of Dishes and Chappy

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Ichigo: Golden!**

"Oww…" Ichigo moaned in pain as he sat up, rubbing the back of his head. He looked around. "Eh? Where am I?"

"Ichigo!" a chirpy voice called. He turned and was welcomed by a hug from an exceptionally hyper Rukia. "I'm so happy that you're awake!"

"R-Rukia…?"

"No, it's not Rukia-sama here! It's her gigai and me!"

Ichigo's eyes widened. "Ch-Ch-Chappy?!"

"Wyup!" Rukia's gigai answered. "Rukia-sama is outside. She told me that you'll have to stay here and west up!"

"West up?" Ichigo blinked.

"Wyup! West up!"

"Oh, you mean rest up… Ok, ok, I get it…"

"Ichigo!" a grumpy voice shouted. Hiyori stormed into the room, her hands on her hips. "Ah, so yer finally awake, eh?"

"Uh?"

"Good. Now…" Hiyori tossed him an apron and some dishwashing soap. "Go and wash them dishes, dammit! They're as dirty as ever!"

"Why me?!"

"Ah, I'll welp! I'll welp!" Chappy enthusiastically offered.

"Welp? What's welp?" Ichigo asked.

"Welp is welp, baka!"

"You mean help, Chappy."

"What's the diffwerence?!" Chappy retorted cutely, rushing to get the dirty dishes with Ichigo following her hurriedly. Hiyori sweat dropped and went back outside to the training grounds.

A few minutes later, she heard some glass crashing into pieces and Ichigo's shouting at the poor Chappy in Rukia's gigai, followed by a bone crack.

When Hiyori went up to check on Ichigo, she found him lying on the ground with his neck craned, drooling at the mouth. Hiyori immediately went back outside.


	15. RENJI!

Author's Note: This is pretty sweet, I guess. It took place after Rukia fought with a hollowfied Hitsugaya, which I didn't write and elaborate about, and then Renji goes all worried about her. Haha.

Oh and the 'true reason' why Rukia was unconscious will be revealed here.

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**RENJI! belongs to chapter eleven of The Mask of Ice.**

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RENJI!

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Rukia and Renji: Golden!**

"Rukia!!!" Renji called out worriedly, rushing to his childhood friend's aid. She had been stabbed in the stomach, and she wouldn't stop bleeding. Hitsugaya was about to deal with the final blow when Renji entered the barrier and carried Rukia away. Shinji and Hiyori supported the barrier as Kage had to send out a report to Soul Society. A _**long **_one, so it seemed. "Don't worry, Rukia, I'll get you to Orihime-san immediately!"

Before Rukia said anything, Renji tripped and fell, with Rukia falling out of his arms and landing on the ground. She bled even more. "RENJI!"

"S-sorry, Rukia!" Renji picked Rukia up and shunpo-ed off.

**＜ブリーチ＞**

"Abarai-kun!" Orihime called out. "Get me a towel and a tub of hot water! I need to wash Kuchiki-san's blood off before I can heal her!"

"Ok!" After a moment or two, Renji rushed in with a tub of water in hand and a towel hanging at the edge of the tub. Suddenly he slid on a puddle of water that dripped from the tub since Renji was rushing into things, and the tub slid out of his hands. The tub overturned and the water splashed on Rukia and Orihime, scalding them. "Ack! I'm so sorry!"

As Orihime cried, Rukia was screaming out in agony, "RENJI!"

**＜ブリーチ＞**

Thanking Orihime for healing Rukia's wounds, Renji still offered to carry her, but Rukia denied his offer. Renji carried her anyway despite her protests and shunpo-ed off. As he was using shunpo and jumping from roof to roof, Renji slipped on one of the roofs and Rukia slipped out of his hands (again). She fell off the roof, screaming, "RENJI!" before her head knocked against the ground. She fainted.

**＜ブリーチ＞**

Carrying Rukia upstairs to where Hinamori was lying, Meian who was accompanying her jumped at joy at the sight of Renji and Rukia. "Ah, Renji-kun!" Her pupils dilated. "Oh my gosh, what happened to Rukia-chan?!"

"Ah, uh… I slipped and…"

Meian got damn pissed. _**That **_was the reason why she hated boys. They were _**not **_dependable. At all. Nope, not at all. "RENJI!"


	16. The Sadistic Ballerina

Author's Note: This is mostly directed to Tsukiria, aka Tsuki, but what the heck.

Yes, I am going to make Aizen twirl Hitsu around and around! And it shall happen in this chapter! Woot! XD

By the way, Tsuki… I can't make this longer! Those Shinigami Zukan clips in Bleach episodes are no more than 45 to 50 seconds long. XD

This took place after Ichigo and co. have infiltrated Soul Society's boundaries but before Aizen, Ichimaru and Tousen's betrayal.

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**The Sadistic Ballerina belongs to none of my Bleach stories.**

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The Sadistic Ballerina

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Aizen: Golden!**

Smirking rather sadistically, Aizen Sousuke flipped through the documents, page by page. He placed the documents aside after reading them, and hopped (yes, _**hopped**_) over to his new plasma TV he ordered from the material world. He gave it a hug and a little French kiss before hopping over to his locked closet. He unlocked it and took out a stash of pink paint with red hearts. He proceeded to paint his new plasma TV, giving it a coat of fresh pink paint. Whistling contentedly, Aizen skipped (oh great, now it's _**skipping**_?) into the closet (who the hell does that except for gay people? XD) and hopped out, wearing a sleeveless pink top, a pink too-too, pink stockings and most importantly, the pink ballerina shoes.

He skipped over to the box that was used to carry the TV set with and read the instructions when a pink CD fell out of the manual. He picked it up and, after reading the instructions, popped it into the CD player connected to the TV. After a while, he heard some adorable music playing and someone singing, "Ooh ee ooh ah ah…!" (A/N: In case you don't know, it's Cartoon Witch Doctor! XDD)

Aizen skipped and jumped and did all the ballerina antics with sheer happiness and joy and did I mention utter gayness? Spinning around and around on tip-toes, Aizen giggled and had this weird but hilariously comical smile on his face.

Then to his outmost horror, the door opened, revealing a rather neutral white-haired captain rubbing his eyes in an act of childishness.

Aizen _**cooed**_.

"Oi, Aizen, may I speak to Hina-?" Hitsugaya opened his dazzling emerald eyes and his brain immediately absorbed what was right in front of him. Twitching uncontrollably, Hitsugaya couldn't find his voice to speak. To his even more outmost horror, Aizen began taking his hand and twirling him around to the music.

Throughout it all, Hitsugaya Toushirou was too stunned to say a word.

He had learnt a very important lesson.

Always knock before entering.

**There's ****more!!!**

"Hitsugaya-taichou…" a soothing voice called out to him. "Hitsugaya-taichou…!"

Opening his tired but inquisitive teal eyes, Hitsugaya sat up and looked at his surroundings. He was at the 4th Division for some strange reason, wearing only the white kosode. Looking down at his stomach, he could see a deep gash, coated with dried blood. Somehow, it didn't hurt. "Unohana-taichou?"

"Ahh…" Unohana gave a relieved sigh. "It's good to see you awake, Hitsugaya-taichou. Aizen-taichou said that you had gotten into a fight with one of the ryoka and got injured so he brought you here to me. How are you feeling?"

Hitsugaya blinked in confusion. "Sore… But only for my feet…" Blinking twice in rapid motion, he mumbled, "I wonder why…?"

In the 5th Division, a satisfied Aizen was hugging his now pink plasma TV, and wondering where he should hide it. Luckily for him, he managed to convince Unohana that the white-haired genius had gotten into a fight with the ryoka and made her keep it a secret from everyone else except Hitsugaya himself. Of course Yamamoto couldn't be told, otherwise the old fart might find out that Aizen loved ballet.

Hugging his zanpakutou, thanking its spirit for completely hypnotizing Hitsugaya to believe that he had gotten into a fight, Aizen smirked. "Thank gawd for Kyouka Suigetsu…" His smirk grew wider as if amused. "But damn, that was fun!!!"


	17. Damn the Pervert Urahara Kisuke

Author's Note: Poor, poor, poor Urahara Kisuke XD I made him act like Kon! O.O

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**Damn the Pervert Urahara Kisuke**** belongs to chapter twelve of The Mask of Ice.**

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Damn the Pervert Urahara Kisuke

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Urahara: Golden!**

Rukia was walking along the streets of Karakura town and passed by Urahara's shop. She stopped to check out if there were any Chappy Soul Candy dispensers in the shop since she wasn't provided one from Soul Society. Urahara answered the door and glanced at Rukia's outfit. She was wearing a sleeveless yellow dress in which the bottom of the dress didn't cover up till her knees. Urahara giggled, "Aaaahh… Rukia-chan, you're wearing such a nice outfit today!"

Rukia kicked the salesman in the stomach.

**＜ブリーチ＞**

Hinamori soon dropped by Urahara's for no apparent reason, dragging a reluctant Hitsugaya with her. She knocked on the door and Urahara came to answer it. His eyes gleamed at her outfit. She was wearing a pink top with a pair of red shorts that weren't covering her knees as well, and her hair had been tied up in a ponytail.

Hitsugaya didn't like the dirty look on the salesman's face.

"Momo-chan, you're looking so pretty today!"

Hitsugaya froze him in his place.

**＜ブリーチ＞**

A shivering Urahara felt a reiatsu approaching. No, wait, scratch that. _**Three **_reiatsus! It must be the three belles, Merenaito, Kage and Meian! He couldn't believe his luck! Imagine what revealing clothes they must be wearing… Urahara nearly drooled. He purred and immediately opened the door and jumped out like as if he wanted to hug the approaching sisters. Before he even knew it, he felt a tight smack on his face. He fell to the ground, face flat. He then looked up and saw a rather pissed Merenaito glaring at him, her fist clearly clenched. She was wearing a grey top with a white skirt that wasn't knee-length. He was about to look what was underneath that skirt when he felt someone kick him somewhere that shouldn't be kicked. It was obviously Kage, since he clearly saw her face before she kicked him. She was still wearing the white top and black skirt she was wearing earlier on. (Reference to chapter 12) He still thought that Kage looked adorable in such an outfit. Then he felt someone shriek in his ear. _**That **_was Meian.

"YOU SON OF A (BEEP)!!! YOU IDIOT!!! YOU PERVERT!!! YOU BASTARD!!! YOU (BEEP)ING (BEEP)!!!"

Then another slap, another kick and another insult hurled towards him.

_**That **_was why Merenaito, Kage and Meian were also known as the Perfect Trio.

One slaps well, one kicks well, and one insults well.

Urahara had been the victim of the Perfect Trio.

It was certainly _**not **_Urahara Kisuke's day.

After all, he had been kicked in the stomach by Kuchiki Rukia, encased within a cage of ice by an overprotective Hitsugaya Toushirou, and fallen prey to the Perfect Trio's combo.

What could get any worse than this?

**＜ブリーチ＞**

Late that night, the door opened slightly. A silhouette of a cat glided across the room, and the door closed. She tried looking for the perverted salesman and when she caught him sleeping, she immediately scratched his face with her claws.

Obviously, Shihouin Yoruichi has heard the positive feedback from her fellow shinigami girlfriends.

And she did _**not **_like it.


	18. Eye Don't Know

Author's Note: I have no idea where this idea popped up from but what the heck. It's both crazy and hilarious! XD

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**Eye Don't Know belongs to chapter thirteen of The Mask of Ice.**

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Eye Don't Know

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Ulquiorra: Golden…**

It was midnight when Aizen heaved a frustrated sigh as he leaned back in his royal throne, his hand supporting his head as his elbow was on the arm of his chair. Tapping his fingers a little, probably out of boredom, he decided to call for his 10th Espada. Yammy opened the door to the room and bowed as he closed it. "_Hai_, Aizen-sama, you called for me?" Yammy sounded very enthusiastic.

"Yammy, I'm bored. Entertain me," came Aizen's order. He was _**clearly **_bored from the tone of his voice.

"_Hai_," Yammy replied, as smile finding its way on his face. He reached in his pocket and took out two white balls. He began juggling them in front of Aizen. Aizen watched. He had lived for a long time, that's for sure, but he had never seen a juggling performance before. Even if he wanted to see one, he had to make a trip to the material world to actually find a clown on the streets or something and watch the clown perform feats with the balls. Aizen had personally liked juggling oranges as he wanted his Arrancar performer to actually get hit on the head with the oranges and get fresh orange juice in the morning, but Aizen was the kind of sadist that didn't have that kind of time to waste. But this…was entertaining. "Aizen-sama, do you like it?"

"Yes, I do. Thank you very much for entertaining me. By the way, Yammy…" Aizen eyed the two weird balls in Yammy's hands. "Where did you get those balls?"

"Ohhh, _**eye **_don't know…"

**＜ブリーチ＞**

The next morning, Ulquiorra Schiffer woke up to find both of his eye sockets empty.


	19. Candidates for Soutaichou

Author's Note: This is, for real, cut off from the chapter to be specially placed here. I found it quite funny, though more on the dry humor side, but it's humor nonetheless, so I cut and pasted it here.

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**Candidates for Soutaichou belongs to chapter fifteen of The Mask of Ice.**

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Candidates for Soutaichou

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan…**

**Hitsugaya and Koori: Golden.**

"But seriously, Toushirou, why can't _**you **_be soutaichou in future? Have you ever thought about that?"

Hitsugaya immediately slapped a hand over Koori's mouth. "Don't _**say **_that so loudly, dammit," Hitsugaya hissed quietly in Koori's ear. Koori plainly rolled his eyes again. "How can you even say that? Everyone knows that someone else is better than me for the post."

Koori pulled Hitsugaya's hand away. "Oh yeah? Like who?" he challenged.

"There's Kuchiki-taichou…"

"You just kicked his butt today, remember? And besides, I doubt he has any pride nor dignity left as a Kuchiki noble to even want to stay as captain, let alone take on the post for soutaichou," Koori said like as if he had memorized his speeches of explanations.

"Well…there's Kyouraku-taichou…"

"All he does is womanize and drink sake all day long; he's _**way **_worse than your annoying fukutaichou."

"…There's Zaraki-taichou and Kurotsuchi-taichou…"

"Are you completely out of your mind?" Koori snapped, his temper rising. "If that bell-obsessed taichou of the 11th Division were to take over, he might just turn the entire Soul Society upside-down! Worse, if that freak of a clown were to take over, he might kill everyone in Soul Society to perform his experiments!"

"O…kay…There's still Ukitake-taichou…"

"Psh. Too sickly."

"…Soi Fong-taichou?"

"Not enough charisma; no wonder that black cat isn't all that attracted to her, and I doubt you even like her."

"True…Well, there's Unohana-taichou…"

"All she does is heal, heal and heal, Toushirou."

"…Komamura-taichou?"

"I sound like some sort of racist, but he's too foxy, if you ask me. Or at least, he's too wolfy."

"Merenaito?"

"Good choice, but you haven't exactly seen the full extent of her capabilities so I can't be too sure about that."

"Kage?"

"She's practically good at kidou, that's all you know. We'll have to observe more."

"…_**Meian**_?"

Koori's patience finally snapped and he picked up the pillow. He tossed it at Hitsugaya who fell right smack on his back, moaning in pain. "You're _**really **_desperate, aren't you, Toushirou? She's too…unserious."

"Don't tell me Kurosaki, because I'll puke."

"Dammit! NO WAY!"

Hitsugaya picked up the pillow and pondered before answering, "…Me?"

Koori let out a pained sigh as he picked up the pillow from Hitsugaya's grasp and knocked Hitsugaya on the head senselessly. "You're dense, Toushirou, _**too **_dense."


	20. CUT!

Author's Note: This isn't really funny.

Yeah, right…

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**CUT! **** belongs to chapter two of The One.**

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CUT!

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan!**

**Hitsugaya: Golden…**

Hitsugaya dashed into the meeting hall, but he didn't trip at all. In fact, he was perfectly steady on his feet, and everyone stared at him expectantly. He sighed wearily as someone's voice cut in, "_**CUT!**_" She sounded very frustrated. "Never mind, we'll try that again. Take it from the top! Action!"

**＜ブリーチ＞**

"_**CUT!"**_

**＜ブリーチ＞**

"_**CUT!"**_

**＜ブリーチ＞**

"_**CUT! FOR GOODNESS SAKE, CUUUUUUTTT!!!!"**_

**＜ブリーチ＞**

"_**OH DAMMIT ALL, CUT!"**_

**＜ブリーチ＞**

"_**HOLY CRAP SHIT! CUT!"**_

**＜ブリーチ＞**

"_**CUT! **__**…CUT! …CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY AREN'T YOU CUTTING?!?!?!??!"**_

**＜ブリーチ＞**

"…… (censored beep)"

A cloaked figure entered the captain's meeting hall, holding the familiar director's card thing. (A/N: What is that thingy that directors use to make a sound when they click the two things together? Sorry, my explanation sucks) She looked around, her piercing eyes shooting daggers towards every single captain in the room. She then spun around and gave the startled Hitsugaya a death glare. "_**Toushirou…**_" the director's dangerous and low voice warned. "_**You slip up one more time…and I shall personally castrate you.**_"

Hitsugaya was panting like as if he was going to die from a heart attack, having taken so many cuts so many times. How many times had it been? All he knew that they had been filming since…oh, I don't know…twelve hours ago? And it had been all his fault that everyone was dragged into the director's deranged mental torture by saying 'cut' all the time instead of doing some video editing. Was she retarded or something?

"…_Hai_…" Hitsugaya mumbled before cursing under his breath.

"Take one million, three hundred and forty-three thousand and fifty-one! _**Action!**_"

**＜ブリーチ＞**

"…"

"…Um, director…"

"…Goddamn it, another cut." The director stood up from her chair. "Where's the knife?"

Hitsugaya Toushirou ran for his life.

(A/N: One thing to note – the stubborn and crazy director in this chappie is _**me**_! XD Of course that didn't really happen…It was just something crazy and random. XD)


	21. Perverted Kon pt 1

Author's Note: I haven't updated in a while…

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**Perverted Kon part 1 belongs to chapter nineteen of The Mask of Ice.**

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Perverted Kon pt 1

Ok, Kon, hit it!

**Kon: Shinigami zukan…**

**Ichigo: Golden.**

Ichigo looked at his body which had been inhabited by the perverted mod soul Kon and folded his arms. Kon simply glanced at Ichigo confusedly, waiting for the orange strawberry to break the silence. "Kon, I'll be going to Hueco Mondo for a while, so just take my place."

Kon's eyes widened. "Ah?!?!" He screeched, flapping his arms around in protest. "I don't get to go?!"

"Course not!" Ichigo exclaimed. "Who'll stay here as me then?!"

Mentally, Kon had waterfall tears streaming down his face anime-style. _"My only chance to impress the ladies gone like that…Oh, fate is so cruel! So cruel! So very very cruel…!!! And just when I thought I'll get another chance to sleep in Orihime-chan's heaven…"_

**＜ブリーチ＞**

Over at Hueco Mondo, Orihime felt Kon's heaven tingling with a cold sensation.


	22. Love of No Memory: Deleted scene

Author's Note: This is a 'deleted' scene from my HitsuIchi oneshot. Technically, it's not deleted coz I just moved it here for the funnies. But non-technically…yeah, I deleted it.

Disclaimer: Read previous chapters.

**Love of No Memory: Deleted scene belongs to Love of No Memory.**

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Love of No Memory: Deleted scene

**Ok, Kon, hit it!**

**Kon: Shinigami zukan…**

**Hitsugaya and Ichigo: Golden.**

Black kimonos and hakamas were sprawled all over the floor, and not to mention the white hakamas that were supposed to be underneath the shinigami shihakushou. One crumpled captain haori was found to be sticking out from underneath the pile of shinigami clothes, implying that it was removed first. Two bunches of durian-like hair stuck out from underneath the blanket of which covered up two sleeping figures who had no idea what the fuck happened the night before (literally), nor any of the recent days, to be precise. Hitsugaya was the first to awaken, being the one icy taichou sensitive to the sun's warm rays dawning upon his young facial features. (A/N: Ok, here it comes!)

Imagine his horror when he discovered that he was sleeping – with _**Ichigo!!!**_

"K-K-KUROSAKI!!!" Oh, holy shit, did he just stammer? "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

His screams apparently scared the strawberry awake when Ichigo practically leapt out of bed and fell onto the ground with a thud. "T-Toushirou?! What are you doing here? This is my room!" he exclaimed before he realized that said snowy-chan was covering his eyes with both of his hands. "Eh? What's wrong?"

"Could you please…WEAR SOMETHING?! Damn! I don't know what is worse; Matsumoto naked or you, for that matter!"

"Hah? The hell you're…Oh." Ichigo flushed a deep but bright shade of blood red as he randomly grabbed his hakama and instantly put it on to avoid any further embarrassment. Really…What the hell happened? And why wasn't he in his body? More importantly…he couldn't seem to pinpoint exactly why he felt like he accomplished something the night before, but all he remembered was doing sleep-inducing homework. How could that be accomplishing? Kurosaki Ichigo just shrugged.

"…Kurosaki."

"Yeah?"

When Hitsugaya turned around, there was a deep blush on his face all of a sudden. "…I can't find my hakama."

"…"


End file.
